Friday, February 29, 2008

A load of crock

India is shining, they said triumphantly. We've heaved ourselves out of the lowly third-world status, they said. Oh yeah? And so how come we haven't got rid of nasty third-world mosquitoes then? I'm saying this bitterly because I was rudely woken up from a deep sleep at 1.35 am by mosquito bites. A bump on one cheek, swollen lips (and no, I still don't look like Angelina Jolie, to add insult to injury), and another three bumps on my arms. All I can say is this: I'm not a big supporter of high end luxe brands setting up shop in our country every second. What I want is an effective mosquito repellent for starters. And fumigation of swamps by the BMC. Hello, Mr. Union Health Minister-stop gunning for fire-breathing film stars, do something for us common folk instead, will ya? Or else I'm going to trap those little blood suckers into matchboxes and set them free in your house! Goddit?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Eek, I'm schizoid!

One of my fav columnists has me in a state of panic. He said that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who love Tin Tin, and those who love Asterix. Hey, I love both!!!!! So now am paranoid and am seriously considering blowing up my old age hip bone replacement fund on a shrink. Will have to (ugh) discuss childhood scars and other traumatic incidents in my life like when my sister hogged the car window seat when it was CLEARLY my turn! Gosh, the things you have to do to find out if you're normal.

Friday, February 15, 2008

That's not Superman you eejit-it's a rogue satellite!

Okay, so the defective US spy satellilte is expected to enter the earth's atmosphere on the 6th of March. Oooh, I can think of so many pompous people it ought to land on! Of course it could well annihilate yours truly instead, so am jotting down a to-do-before-I-die list with trembling fingers.

1. Eat more chocolate.

2. Eat even more chocolate.

3. Assiduously follow instructions in points 1 & 2.

Am currently reading David Davidar's The Solitude of Emperors (his take on communalism), and honestly, it wouldn't be such a bad thing if the end of the world was nigh! Too bad the satellite is merely the size of a bus.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Carry on, love is coming

Thinking of CSNYs lovely song, Carry On. Tomorrow squishy squelchy mush will rule the air waves, so am valiantlysteeling myself for the Bryan Adams onslaught. Quite in the manner of certain local political unworthies, I haven’t quite got Valentine’s Day (Hello, Valentine’s Day? What’s that? Since when did we start celebrating Valentine’s Day in Maharashtra?). Unlike them, however, I will not pulverise anyone who gives me a heart-shaped box of almond rocks (promise), so feel free to do so if you wish.
As I write this, hospitals in the city are gearing up their OPDs to treat battered adults who are caught clutching teddy bears. More importantly, they’re also brushing up on the Hiemlich Manoeuvre to save poor innocent women from choking to death on diamond rings deviously planted in pastries/cocktails. Tell me again, why do men do this?
Ah well, love hurts.

Raj's Ae Mere Watan Ke Logon moment

So (yawn) he was finally arrested, and he's out on bail too (yawn). Did you see him on TV- our precious little wannabe hero looked so excited, his cheeks were flushed, ears were pink and he couldn't stop smiling happily. What's the bet he was humming Ae Mere Watan Ke Logon as he was led in. And what's the bet his fav cousin was weeping enviously into his evening bowl of ussal-missal at Raj's photo ops, as our intrepid reporters kept us updated. But he surprised me, our Raj did. I thought he'd opt for judicial custody to up his wannabe hero image, but no, he took the coward's way out. CM Deshmukh made grand statements on Times Now, saying that Raj's divisive statements would not be tolerated, BUT hello, did you note that he made it very clear that Raj was arrested by the police and not the CM? Just in case...Ah, come on, Deshmukh, be a man! Anyway, just as well Raj wasn't arrested otherwise tomorrow morning's screaming headlines would have been his jail menu: Raj consumed one and a half chapattis , a glass of solkari, a bowl of dal but declined Amitabh Bachchan's favorite dish: alu methi! Ew! Good thing American Idol's on tonight- that's a jolly sight more riveting than this stupid farce. BTW, Jai Maharashtra!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Reptiles of the human kind

The most exciting piece of news in the papers today is that a new lizard species has been discovered in Satara (Hemidactylus Sataraensis, if you must know!). These newly discovered darlings have overshadowed the ridiculous hysteria over the lesser Thackeray's imminent(?) arrest, proving that some reptiles are decidedly more charming than others. I frankly don't give a shit if the rabble rouser is arrested or not- who cares, he'll be let out in half a second anyway. Maharashtra Chief Minister Vilasrao Deshmukh is a weedy wishy washy wimp, incapable of saying boo to a goose (not even a dead, roasted, honey-glazed one!). And as for Deputy CM RR Patil, he'd only have taken stern action if the lesser Thackeray had claimed that North Indian cabbies moonlighted as transexual bar dancers! Which means Thackeray would still be out holding his head up high, looking comically stern and earnest, as is his wont. @$#%^*((*&$#@!!! And @#$ %^& $^ for good measure!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Play it again, Dave!

Last night Dave Barry had me in stitches with this article: This time, music failed to soothe the savage beast

Here he viciously attacks Toad the Wet Sprocket (but not as viciously as he may have attacked Barry Manilow- go on, read the article to find out! It's hilarious.). I don't just love Dave Barry for his sense of humour, we evidently share the same taste in music too. Remember America (the band, not the country)? Not hot, but not crap either, it's the 'easy listening' music stuff. Except for that dreadful muskrat song and Tin Man (shudder)-you have just got to read Barry on the yucky muskrat song, he's brilliantly caustic! And my sister breaks into angry red spots if she so much as hears the opening bars of You can do Magic- but I can deal with it. Why, I even went for their concert in Mumbai. Though I was shocked when some friends invited me to sneak a swig of vodka in their car- good heavens, you don't knock back booze before an America concert, you drink chocolate milkshake! Naturally, I refused-I have principles, I do!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Vir Sanghvi's my rockstar of the month

No, I do not want Vir Sanghvi to autograph my tee. Please, I do not want anybody's signature on my tee, for that matter- not even Eddie Vedder or Roger Waters and I lurve them to bits! But, even so, I'm a shameless Sanghvi groupie. Mainly because he doesn't bore me to tears by pompously quoting Aristophanes and other worthies, unlike his look-at-me-I'm-so-damn-erudite contemporaries. He doesn't give a shit about impressing the socks off his readers- and that's one of the reasons why he's way, way above and beyond other edit page writers.The man runs rings around them! Of course, his casual, contemporary style and dry wit help considerably. But best of all is his fresh take on practically every issue. The last few days everyone and his chihuahua has wittered on about Raj Thackeray. You've read one, you've read them all. And I groaned when I picked up today's HT. Et tu Sanghvi, I muttered darkly under my breath- I have to read about the lesser Thackeray yet, yet, yet again? Woodsman, spare this tree! But, Sanghvi had me rolling on the floor with mirth, likening Raj to Mini Me! Wonderfully wicked man (Sanghvi, not Raj in this case). Please Santa, may I have Sanghvi for Christmas?
P.S. Have to guiltily confess that I've written on the lesser Thackeray too, but since it's for a monthly, it won't be out till next month. So you've been spared, lucky you!

Friday, February 8, 2008

The return of sabre-toothed tigers

Ridiculously mis-matched today. Caught glimpse of self in mirror and got a fit of the giggles. Bright red socks, faded black tracks and a beige pullover. Tres chic- but can't help it. Who owns woollies in Mumbai? Who would believe that it would get so cold? Jumped back into bed and blanketed up cosily with Hosseini's A Thousand Splendid Suns. Dry heaved every 10 minutes or so, as I turned the pages with trembling fingers, petrified of what was going to happen next- I want my mommy!!! Too much sadness, too much drama- but too engrossing too, to abandon mid-way. It doesn't help that a chilly wind is blowing, and now want a hot water bottle more than my mommy! Or, better still, a nice warm heater toasting my feet. Eating chocolate to feel better- that helps considerably. Dopamine levels have shot up, but the bloody mercury is dipping with the sun. This is global warming? It feels more like the ice age! Watch out, sabre-toothed tigers are coming back! Run! Hide! Me, I'm leaping back into bed to be safe and warm.