Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A day in the life of Arundhati Roy (As imagined by the writer)

OUT OF MY HEAD
Rupa Gulab
(Published in Bengal Post, 2nd November 2010)

Alarm went off at 6 am. Leapt out of bed and rushed to the mirror. Screeched when I noticed several ugly red spots on my face. Swore never to visit those nasty mosquito-infested jungles without carrying Odomos. This is just too bad, considering that I have to give a speech to other like-minded intellectuals this afternoon - like-minded when it comes to issues only, of course. Intellectually I’m far more superior than those morons can ever hope to be - have they won the Booker ever, ha ha? Jumped back into bed – more beauty sleep is urgently required. Must live up to my reputation of being beautiful inside-out.
***
Great Revolutionary Leader called at 7.30 am, interrupting my sleep. He sounded more outraged than Arnab Goswami of Times Now. ‘Have you read today’s papers?’ he spluttered. ‘The Government of India is building a school in a tribal village. Those creeps, how dare they!’ he thundered. Really, how dare they? After all the hard work we’ve put in to persuade tribals about the wickedness of the Government of India, they’re now trying to show us up! The cheek! Consoled Great Revolutionary Leader. Told him he could always bomb it after it’s built. Preferably while school children are in it. That will make superb headlines, and I will be invited as guest speaker to many more intellectual dos. Great Revolutionary Leader chuckled. He told me how beautiful I was inside-out.
***
Had toast with honey (good for skin) for brekker – not commercial honey but the real McCoy stuff from the tribals. Had to fish some wings and hairy legs out of it, yuck. Glanced through newspapers. Am filled with rage – not a single article on me, not even a teeny-weeny mention! What is this country coming to? No wonder it’s a failed State!
***
Consoled self by Googling my name. About a zillion mentions on blogs, yay! Clicked a blog at random. The blogger said that someone called Adrian Mole was a more convincing and likeable intellectual than I am. Googled Adrian Mole – he’s a thirteen and a half year old fictional pseudo-intellectual who writes a diary. Read an excerpt of the diary: He has acne, loves ABBA, writes lousy poetry and sounds like a half-wit. How dare that nasty blog writer say that Adrian Mole is better than I am? Browsed through another blog also written by a fool - she says that I should be called a megalomaniac anarchist not a selfless activist. Another stupid woman has said that, “If she hates India so much why doesn’t she just get the hell out and leave us in peace.” Rot – I have as much right as she has to live in this country and overthrow the State if I wish – this is a democracy after all! They’re just plain jealous that I’m beautiful inside-out. Will fix these people when we crush India and create our own beautiful country. Will torture them before we behead them. Dissent will not be tolerated.
***
Was v. depressed all afternoon. Just as well that these heckling bloggers are never invited to events where I make speeches. They are not intellectuals - they just don’t understand that ideas are more important than people losing lives and limbs. Bimbos!
***
Turned on TV news and discovered to my joy that I may be booked for sedition because I echoed a hardline separatist’s views on Kashmir! More publicity, hooray! Phone never stopped ringing thereafter, with other intellectuals warmly congratulating me. They’re so insincere really – I could not fail to detect envy in their voices. Wonder what to wear when the TV wallahs come calling with their cameras for my reaction?
***
Put a Beatles CD on while going through my extensive wardrobe. Have selected several pretty saris and some ethnic skirts with lots of chunky tribal jewellery. Cannot be photographed in the same outfit for different TV channels after all. Have also applied foundation to hide the ugly red mosquito bites. Doorbell rang, so I hastily changed the music to a rousing tribal beat before I opened the door.
***
Celebration party tonight! Have got several jerry cans of heady mahua from the tribals. Will serve mahuatinis (dash of mahua and lots of sweetened orange juice to disguise the terrible taste). They are super potent and in the eyes of my inebriated companions I will look even more beautiful inside-out!

1 comment:

rash said...

loved it