OUT OF MY HEAD
(Published in Bengal Post, 21st Dec 2010)
Christmas is the season of goodwill, and in keeping with the cheerful ho ho ho spirit I have presents for many people – including those I may have had some differences with. Unlike Santa Claus, I do not discriminate between who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
For US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: The only time my respect for Hillary wavers is when I see her in hideous egg-yolk yellow pant suits and fire-engine red pant suits – heck, why fuddy-duddy pant suits to begin with? I admire the way she skilfully masks her hypocrisy in plain speak and I’m deeply distressed that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s revelations may have put paid to her favourite hobby – a vast international collection of DNA strands to help her, erm, get to know foreign diplomats better. To cheer her up, I’ve decided to give her a pretty heart-shaped plastic locket (it’s recession time, she’ll understand) with a fragrant ,freshly-shampooed lock of my hair. Okay so I’m not a VIP, but who knows some day I may well be. These days with so many whistleblowers around you can never tell who’s going up in life and who’s coming down with a resounding thud, right?
For Sarah Appalling (aka Palin), former Governor of Alaska: The race hasn’t ended for John McCain’s vice-presidential running mate – she still believes she’s got a good chance of becoming the next president of the USA, ha ha. Part of me hopes that she succeeds because she’s more entertaining than George W. Bush – he’s seems sombre, distinguished and remarkably erudite in comparison. I propose to send her a prospectus of a good school because it’s apparent that she’s in desperate need of education. While I can’t refudiate (sorry, repudiate – pardon my Palinisms) the fact that she’s an expert on Russia since she can see it from her bedroom window on a clear day, I have to reasonably point out that she can’t see every single country from all the windows in her house, can she? So suggestions on a good nursery school (for starters) will be welcome – baby steps, remember?
For WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange: Hugs, best wishes, lots of support, a pack of industrial-strength prophylactics and a few tips on understanding women better. Starting with, never get cosy with two women who know each other – especially within days of each other. That only works in James Bond movies!
For Pakistan: Even a beauty contest bimbo will agree that a stable Pakistan can lead to peace on earth – or in India, at any rate. Which is why I’m planning to gift wrap a team of international psychiatrists to help Pakistan’s politicians, generals and intelligence chaps get over their unhealthy obsession with India. I sincerely hope that they will stop thinking of us from the time they wake up to the time they kiss their possibly toxic Made-in-China teddy bears goodnight. This creepy stalker-like mentality has got to stop. Get over us, guys – concentrate on thinking about your own citizens instead. That way lies progress!
For the UPA Government: Sigh. What can you give people who have so much of everything that belongs to us? Nothing more, right? The scam-rich UPA is off my X’mas list this year – in fact, off it for my lifetime. My stony heart will not melt – not even if the charming Rahul Gandhi flashes his dimples at me.
For the BJP: I wish I had the power to grant them a JPC on the 2G scam. Not because I love them (oh please - perish the thought!) but because I simply cannot bear to see and hear the pompous Arun Jaitley go on and on and on about it on every single news channel practically every second of the day in the most annoying self-righteous manner. Thanks to him, I’ve stopped watching Indian news channels completely. I’m seriously considering giving them a miniature glass house instead, with a framed photograph of their corrupt Karnataka chief minister Yeddyurappa. Just to remind them that Indian citizens aren’t stupid.
For Arnab Goswami, the talking head of Times Now: A pair of lycra superhero tights, a pair of lycra underpants and a collapsible mobile telephone booth to hastily change in – Goswami is certainly working hard to earn them. He evidently believes that he can do for India what Batman did for Gotham city. Now that’s what you call the audacity of hope!