Written for Verve, published July 2010
Read it here for the nice illustrations:
Also pasted below:
Have discovered Mothercare! Stepped in to buy pressie for Bubbles' baby and saw fab clothes. In my size, hooray! Rushed to changing room with 13 clothes – at least. Skinny Salesgirl very annoying, though. Smiled widely and asked how many months preggers I was. Did not want to embarrass self so lied and said seven months. She gasped and said I looked ready to pop, was I going to have twins? Pretended I was deaf and sailed to billing counter with purchases. Nasty Skinny Salesgirl followed and asked if I’d like nursing bras as well. I could hit her! Was in such a hurry to get away from her, forgot to buy pressie for Bubbles' baby after all. Damn.
Nasty Skinny Salesgirl’s rude remarks rankled, so decided to go on strict fruit diet. Consumed: 4 bananas, 6 mangoes and 6 chikoos for lunch and dinner. Halo shining. Can’t wait to check my weight tomorrow morning!
Help! Weighed self and almost wept – am now 1 kg heavier than yesterday! Bloody diets don’t work, that’s what! Called Fatty and whined. She sneered and said I ate the wrong fruits – mangoes, chikoos and bananas are sugar rich. Should have eaten watermelon instead. Don’t like Fatty very much. Think she patronises me because she weighs just 85 kgs. Shan’t hang out with her anymore. She probably uses me so she can look slim in comparison.
So depressed, decided to have a diet club sandwich without bread for brekker: ham, bacon, cheese, half fried egg, lettuce, tomato and cucumber. To make it exciting, had low-fat chips with it. Boiled potatoes first, then cut them in thick slices and lightly fried them in non-stick pan. Yum! Maybe I can write diet cookbook called Tasty Way to Lose Weight, and become famous Bollywood dietician. I will be rich, rich rich! So rich that I can buy Mothercare Franchise and sack Nasty Skinny Salesgirl!
Bloody, bloody diets don’t bloody work! Been starving self on breadless club sandwich with chips and have put on even more weight. If Nasty Skinny Salesgirl sees me now bet she’ll want to know if I’m having triplets! Hate everybody, especially Fatty. She called yesterday to say she’s on new diet and has lost 2 kgs in 3 days. Show off! Know that she’s DYING for me to ask for the diet, but won’t give her the satisfaction. She laughed meanly when I told her about my low fat chips and said even monkeys know that carbs are a big no no. Will go for one hour walk in evening and lose more weight than her, so there! I’ll show her!
Could not bring self to go for walk yesterday. Too hot. Put AC on in living room and decided to walk up and down like caged tiger through an entire episode of cooking programme, Jamie at Home, and succeeded, yay! Ran up and down for a few rounds as well but had to stop because neighbour in flat below intercommed and screamed because I ruined her afternoon nap: she sternly reminded me that we are not permitted to shift heavy furniture during 2 to 4 pm and has threatened to complain to the building society secretary. Told her to go to hell!
Felt much thinner and decided to treat self to what Jamie was cooking: chicken in rich cheese sauce. Both proteins, so should work. Fatty called and wanted to come over to show off her new thin self: she says her tummy is one inch thinner. Coldly told her I was going out. Do not wish to associate with creeps.
Have stopped taking Fatty’s calls altogether. She can’t take a hint though. Has started sending me text messages of her new weight: According to the latest one, she now weighs 79.6 kgs. Wants to know if we can go out to celebrate. Will not respond. Am in despair, though. Weight-loss pacing sessions with Jamie Oliver not working. Looking at all that lovely food inspires me to cook it too. Haven’t lost an ounce. Think perhaps I have thyroid problem. Called friendly neighbourhood doctor for details on thyroid test. Very easy, just a blood test. Will do it first thing tomorrow.
Gloom and doom. Got thyroid test report. My thyroid is fine, damn. Friendly neighbourhood doctor is not very friendly. Says I should go on strict diet and exercise daily. Told her I already am, and she scoffed when I gave her the details. Told me to stick to watermelon for a week and walk in the park for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening – at least. Did not like the tone of her voice. Hate everybody, especially Fatty. Her latest text message says she now weighs 76 kgs. Cretin!
Tried watermelon diet for half a day and felt dizzy and sick. Had to call Dominos for pepperoni pizza. Ordered a small and then had to order a large an hour later. Feeling slightly better now. Diets make me ill.
There’s hope yet! Page 2 of newspaper carried article of lady with 8 kg cyst in stomach. Was successfully operated on and is 8 kgs lighter in less than two days! Am certain I have cyst too. That’s why diets and exercise don’t work for me. Will fix appointment with doctor – not unfriendly neighbourhood doctor but another one. After surgery will take Fatty’s calls and invite her over to see MY new body. Will probably weigh 50 kgs then, yay!
New doctor very warm and sympathetic. She said I must certainly do ultrasound and recommended a few more tests as well at her husband’s clinic. Had to pay hefty sum of money (now Rs. 25,000 poorer) but who cares? I will be thin and sexy!
Ultrasound horrible. Was made to drink gallons of water and not allowed to pee till examination was over. Asked sourpuss technician if she could see the cyst but she refused to tell me. Said to wait for report tomorrow. Treated self to biryani and gelato. Have to be strong for cyst surgery. New text message from Fatty. Says she’s now 71 kg. Hah! Wait till my surgery is over. Then we’ll talk!
Sympathetic new doctor even more sympathetic. No cyst, but she recommended bariatric surgery at her brother-in-law’s nursing home. Almost fainted when she told me how much it costs. Told her I’d think about it. Very depressed. Had 55 pani puris to feel better. Noticed that pani puri-man has bad cold and uses the same cloth to blow nose and wipe his hands on. Don’t care. Maybe I’ll get his germs, fall ill and lose weight. Or maybe I’ll get worms from eating unsanitary roadside food and they’ll eat my weight away. Desperate now. Fatty called at least 11 times today. Ignored all calls. Sent 20 text messages too, begging me to see her. Says she’s very ill, possibly dying. Ignored text messages. Hah! This is just a ruse to get me to view and envy her new 71 kg body. People can be so slimy.
Fatty called at least 50 times today. Ignored her calls.
Am in shock! Read newspaper article today that says that people put on oodles of weight if their friends are fat! Now nobody will talk to me ever again! Not even Fatty! Will die alone and friendless! Maybe I’ll have to rob bank and have shockingly expensive bariatric surgery.
Whew! Fatty called this morning, and this time I answered phone at first ring. Relieved to have at least one friend in the world. She cried and cried and cried. Says she is almost bald – her new diet has made her hair fall in clumps. Rushed to meet her. God, she looked awful. We both agreed that diets are silly and we are happier being fat. Ordered four large pepperoni pizzas – to help Fatty’s hair grow back faster. Told Fatty about Mothercare’s roomy XXXXXL clothes and we’re going to go there in August. Will just have to tell Nasty Skinny Salesgirl that the twins were safely delivered and am pregnant again!