ANGST IN MY PANTS
(Published in Hardnews, September 2011)
I just can’t wait for the Bharatiya Janata Party to come back to power again! They have proved to be a shockingly lazy opposition that prefers to disrupt proceedings rather than let Parliament function – if in power those shameless slackers will have to put in some amount of work whether they like it or not. Also, it may be wildly entertaining to have them in the spotlight, particularly if senior leader LK Advani is not made prime minister this time round again. I bet the jealous man will continue to make the same nasty personal remarks he frequently makes about prime minister Manmohan Singh against his party’s prime minister too. After which their erm, pleasantly plump party president Nitin Gadkari may have to squash him. I recommend a simple method: Gadkari should sit on him. Not a squeak will be heard out of Advani thereafter, I’m pretty sure of that.
However, the most important reason why I want the BJP back in power is because I have all these wonderful plans on how to fix them good and proper – I still haven’t forgiven them for their role in communal riots, and I never will. They’re beautifully pompous and sanctimonious right now with these jaw-dropping scams exploding in the UPAs face and the noisy Anna Hazare-led anti-corruption movement. They’ve even succeeded in fooling themselves that Hazare’s movement is targeted only at the UPA - and that’s so not true! I’d love to see the BJP in a position when the shoe is on the other foot.
For starters, I’m launching a movement called India against Communalism because I fervently believe in a secular India. It’s not difficult really –my panel will be made up of squeaky clean former Supreme Court/High Court judges, a former cop with a decent reputation and of course I’ll hire a professional faster like Anna Hazare as well. Not Hazare himself - it wouldn’t be appropriate considering that he has several right-wing buddies. Sad, because now he’s the nation’s hero - his caps are selling like hot cakes and many babies born recently have been named after him. I will have to find someone else who can effortlessly fast for many days so I guess I’ll have to settle for a professional model. Someone who already buys size zero will be shockingly skinny after a few days of fasting and this will make the government terribly anxious.
We will politely ask the BJP if we can hold a peaceful demonstration of over 5000 people at Rajghat – and we’ll warmly assure them that we won’t do vulgar things like dancing on Mahatma Gandhi’s symbolic grave like senior BJP leader Sushma Swaraj (even though we dance much, much better than she can). If they deny us permission, perhaps their young leader Varun Gandhi will graciously offer us his house for our demonstration – hey, he did that for Anna Hazare. Oops no, I doubt it – I’ve just remembered some particularly vicious remarks he made about a certain religious community some years ago. Okay, so we’ll get a fab PR agency and go to the media who will scream and shout ceaselessly (particularly the nation’s permanently outraged superhero: Fatman of Times Now TV) and the government will eventually cave in and we’ll be offered many demonstration venues to choose from.
I’ve already written down two non-negotiable demands that Indian against Communalism will insist on:
1. A bill must be passed that ensures that any politician with even the merest whiff of a communal taint will be given life imprisonment. Only because I don’t believe in the death sentence. All their assets must be confiscated and handed over to families who have been victims of communal riots. We will not budge on this. Nasty people must not be allowed to roam freely in society – we must protect not just our innocent children but their innocent children as well!
2. All right-wing supporters who leave filthy messages on blogs and articles by secular citizens must be punished for profanity. Equally importantly, they must be arrested for their lousy grammar. I have never understood why their grammar is so dreadful, but then I cannot pretend to understand why people are bigots either. Perhaps it’s because only brainless people are bigots? That makes sense, somehow.
Right, I’m working very hard on my India against Communalism bill. I do hope you will join my movement, because personally I believe communalism is a more serious threat to India than corruption.