(Published in Hardnews in April 2012)
I’m beginning to feel really and truly sorry for India’s politicians. Thanks to social media, Indian citizens have been emboldened to say such deplorable things about them in public. The shrill ‘India against Corruption’ team took the anti-neta tirade several notches higher last year, despite the fact that many of the team leaders do not have spotlessly clean records themselves – heck, I’m absolutely certain that some of Team Anna’s holier-than-thou tribe will not go to heaven and play the harp for God when they die.
To make matters worse, India’s Wannabe Gandhi Anna Hazare and yoga guru Baba Ramdev are so starved of publicity these days that they’re threatening to dominate prime time news slots once again by lovingly holding hands and fasting in a public place. I don’t know about you, but I absolutely cannot take their ridiculous posturing and hysteria anymore. Which is why I think we should ignore them and dwell on the positive side of our politicians as well. Let’s look at how some of today’s netas inspire our children to become hugely successful, wealthy and happy adults.
1. Be open-minded: Many BJP MLAs across the country have taught us that watching porn is not a bad thing. Furthermore, you must never feel guilty if you’re caught drooling over it and you can rest assured that you will never ever be rapped on the knuckles for it – not even if you’re watching it during class. If, however, some idiotic prudish person attempts to punish you for it, do dash off a letter of complaint to BJP Party President Nitin Gadkari, okay? You can take it for granted that he will come rushing to your rescue – he’s had a lot of practice .Till then, happy viewing.
2. Believe in yourself: Don’t waste your time reading excruciatingly dull ‘think positive’ books by Deepak Chopra, Shiv Khera and Rhonda Byrne for God’s sake, when you’ve got a living breathing example in front of you. Look at how strong former UP Chief Minister Mayawati is. Whenever she faced criticism during her term, she never hit the bottle, swallowed anti-depressants or read any of the self-help authors mentioned above. She did something seriously constructive about that criticism instead - she got statues made of herself and installed them in parks all over Uttar Pradesh. The more the criticism, the more the statues. So please do the same if ever you feel your confidence levels sag. If your building society won’t give you permission to install statues of yourself in the park or lobby, put them in your living room or outside your front door. Trust me, you’ll feel much better this way – and if you’re sweet to your mum, she’ll probably place fresh marigold garlands on it daily. Also, this is way cooler than going to Kodak and getting your photograph printed on coffee mugs and t-shirts – that’s so last century.
3. Use the right word: West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee has taught us that babies should be encouraged to utter the word “Conspiracy” before they say Mum or Dad. Teach your baby well, because that word is very valuable. It can get your child out of any mess through life, from being caught cheating in a school exam to doing a terrible job as a chief minister. A word of warning though: explain to your child that he/she must not use that word too often or else he/she will be cruelly labelled as paranoid and be the muse of cartoonists and satirists across the nation.
4. Get a good PR agency: Don’t squander your money on education or waste your time teaching your children to be good human beings. Invest in their future by hiring a really good PR agency so they can be featured in international magazines like Time or Newsweek. Heck, even mass murders and inept politicians have got glowing reports in those mags.
5. Specialise in something different: Politicians across all parties have encouraged us to go beyond standard MBBS/MBA degrees by turning a hitherto unfashionable subject into a thrilling and lucrative profession. I’m talking about geology what with illegal mining being the rage across the country.
These are just a few examples to show you how politicians have opened not just our minds but doors to the future too. So don’t trash them that quickly. Give them a chance!